Pursuit of Happiness

This is a thought, based on an event that happened last summer or so.  I just slacked off on finishing it off....so here it is finally.



You already know, I am a paintball junkie.  I buy and sell a pretty good amount of paintball gear during the course of a year.  Basically it's a side hobby that funds me actually playing paintball.

Last year, as a way to help fund our adoption I started selling off A LOT of paintball gear with 100% of the money going toward our adoption...not just the profits.  Most of the stuff I sold had been sitting around for awhile.  Projects I never got around to.  High end stuff.

I tell you this not to pat myself on the back, but to tell you this.....I sold a couple of markers to a paintball acquaintance from Pittsburgh, who I've only met in real life once.  He bought things that I know he didn't really need...and he donated a larger amount of money than the stuff was worth.  I really appreciated that.

In his paypal payment he left this comment.  "Good luck in your pursuit of happiness."


This phrase has been sticking in my craw (which is an expression I've been enjoying using recently).  I know that this was meant as a kind of nice thing to say in way of support for what we were doing.  I know that he meant the best by it.  But here are some things about that.

1.  Having kids in general (by birth or adoption), should never be about your own happiness.  This is a problem our society is having.  People are having kids because they believe that it will bring them personal happiness.  They're having babies to save their relationships.  They're having kids to "be fulfilled".  Parenting is hard.  Parenting is not about your fulfillment.  The attention cease to be about you and changes to your children.  So instead of you personally feeling special, it is now about your child.  So it's almost the exact opposite of this.

2.  I know that he doesn't fully grasp this, but we didn't adopt any of our boys because we were pursuing happiness, but because God told us to.  There's a blog post that's going to appear on our family blog about obedience.  There's a huge difference between being obedient to God's plan, and pursuing my own happiness.  The process of adoption is HARD, LONG, and frustrating.  It's full of tears.  If I were pursuing my own happiness, I would be way more tempted to quit.

3.  Something God has been teaching me for quite awhile now is that God doesn't want us to be happy, he wants us to be filled with His joy.  See happiness is based on the circumstance I am in currently.....and circumstances change....and thus my happiness would change.  For instance.....if I buy a brand new car (yeah right)....i'm gonna be pretty happy.  I might park it out front so people see it.  I'd definitely post pictures on Facebook.  I'd talk about it in the locker room with the guys at hockey.  However....if I then total my car because I"m careless....i'm now not happy.  But if I'm pursuing God's joy, the circumstances I'm in, don't dictate a change in that.  I could be in a rough place....but still know God's joy.   Why is the church growing in China, and Africa?  Why is the church failing in the West? 

Adoption and Obedience.

Last week my good friend Jim Baker posted in his blog about adoption.  His own "Airplane Day" was last week and it got him thinking...and thus got me thinking too.  The following isn't a direct response to Jim's post, but was definitely stirred this.  You should read his post first.

We are not superheros. 
We are not saints.
We are not blessed any more than anyone else.
We are not better parents than most.
We still get frustrated and irritated from time to time by our children.
We still get it wrong from time to time.

Just because we've adopted two awesome boys and are working on #3 doesn't mean we're any different than anyone else. 

It's hard for us to hear people say things like, "I could never do that."  or "You have so much more patience that I have."  Yes you could and no we don't.

Let me be clear that not everyone should adopt.  I don't believe that God is calling everyone to adopt.  In James, where it talks about religion that's pure and faultless is taking care of the widows and orphans...it just says "taking care of".  That could mean a lot of things.  One of those things could be adoption, but it could also mean, sponsoring children through World Vision or Compassion, or helping the elderly in your local nursing home, or doing foster care or...or....or...

I don't think everyone is called to adopt, just like I don't think everyone is called to get married or called to sell everything they have and move to Africa.  I think God calls people to all of those things, but he doesn't call everyone to all of those things.

Adoption is messy. 
Waiting around sucks.  
Filling out paperworking and then getting it notarized and then getting that notarization cleared by the state and then sending those notarized papers that have been cleared, to Washington DC to be cleared once again....is tedious.

The process isn't for the faint of heart.  It's not quick.  It's WAY simpler to have biological kids.  For all 3 of our adoptions a good friend of ours and his wife have gotten pregnant and will have had their child during the time it took us to do paperwork and get our child home from Ethiopia.....with a lot of months to spare.

BUT....I didn't ask for this.  God called us to it.  We had every intention to do life the easy way.  Married with 2.5 kids and a dog in the yard of our nice yard with picket fence.  God didn't call us to that though.  God rarely if ever calls us to simple.  In fact he promises us that if we're living in step with his spirit that he's going to call us to difficult things.  Seriously?  Seriously!

In Francis Chan's book, Forgotten God he says that if we're living in tune with the Holy Spirit, it's not a matter of IF but a matter of WHEN God asks us to do something that is completely uncomfortable to us.  When was the last time you were called to do something completely uncomfortable by God?  Did you follow through?

Our plan was to have biological children.  God called us to adopt.  Even after our two boys were home, we still talked about maybe having one or two bio kids.  God intervened and we're on to adoption #3. 

The KEY is obedience.  Who do you think God is and who do you think you are?  Are you even listening for his voice?  Because let's be honest here, it would be way simpler if we ignored it.  If we don't listen then we don't have to do something with what it is that he's asking us to do.  If we drown his voice out with business and our own agenda, there's no room for uncomfortable callings. 

We're not superheros.  We've just tried to be obedient to what God's called us to.  Some of what he's called us to, has been 3 adoptions from Ethiopia, but there every day things too.  Are you listening?  Are you willing to be obedient?

I like Adoption

THIS IS FABULOUS.  Marjorie saw this yesterday and we watched it.  Then we watched related video's of their son George who doesn't have arms playing guitar......with the Goo Goo Dolls and Jeremy Camp and leading worship.  This family is ridiculous awesome.  Love this video. Family Is Adoption!

I'm Sensitive and OK With That

I'm Sensitive.  or at least I've become sensitive.

Not in the "in touch with my emotions" sort of way....but maybe that's true.  Let me explain.

Despicable Me.  Funny movie.  Great quotable lines.  "They're so fluffy!"  We all laugh.  We think the googley-eyed creatures are cute and funny when they blow each other up.  And we laugh. 

What does that movie say about what adoption is?  Why did the evil scientist adopt them?  Because he loved them?  Nope.  Because he desired to grow his family?  Nope.  The orphanage that they were at was horrible.  The view of what adoption is in this movie is horrible.  It turns my stomach.  So this cute movie that is so quotable won't be shown at my house. 

We were watching old Foghorn Leghorn cartoons the other day.  In one episode Foghorn "adopted" a chicken hawk.  The entire thing was derogatory toward adoption.  We skipped to the next one.  I get that this was made ages ago.  It won't be seen in our house.

It's easy to say, "it's no big deal...it's just a funny story." "You're making a mountain out of mole hill."  "But by the end of the story he really does love them."

I think it's you that's missing the point.  The point is that everything matters.  How can I possibly let this slide as OK?  I know what adoption is.  I know that it matters.  It's the same thing as belittling father figures on TV and movies.  I'm not the bumbling dolt just because I"m a dad.  I'm insulted when fathers are portrayed that way.  That's not healthy.  In a world with fewer and fewer strong father figures, tell me how that's good for us? 

I just saw Kung Fu Panda 2.  Adoption is all through this movie.  While I thought the action in this movie was better than KFP1...the adoption line still got my dander up.  How is it that Po's dad NEVER talked to his son about being adopted until he's older and had to confront his dad about it?  And the movie gives you the impression that what happens in the past doesn't matter, it's where you are now and where you're going that matters.  That's pure crap.  Both of my boys came from birth-moms who were unable to care for them.  That's part of their past.  That's part of who they are.  And while they were both two small to know that consciously, it's part of them.  Of course that has been redeemed and their future is bright....but our past is what makes us who we are right now.  Po's dad also gives him this big guilt trip when he decides to set out to find out about his birthparents and his past....instead of encouraging it.  I CAN'T WAIT to take my boys to Ethiopia to see the land that they come from!  That's going to be awesome.  For now, this movie won't be seen at our house.

When I tell me boys how much we love them and how we loved them before they were in our arms....how can I show them these movies?  How can I send them mixed signals.  So yeah, I'm a little sensitive.  My radar is full tilt.  That probably won't change.  I'm kind of OK with that.


More:  Are there redeeming things in the Kung Fu Panda 2 and Despicable Me?   Sure.  Po comes home and tells his dad that's he's his song.  By the end of Despicable me the bad guy falls in love with the kids.  But I can't ignore everything else that leads up to those points. 

Adoptive Parents Mis-cue

So sometime ago a friend sent along a link via Facebook. As often happens I read it, thought "that would be good to blog", bookmarked it, and it's now sat for a few months. Today is the day.

The "article/blog post/short snippet" is on some baby/parenting website (what's up with me using / today?) Let's be clear that I'm not a regular reader of said website. The article is 10 things NOT to say to adoptive parents. I don't like the format for one thing. You have to click through each one of the things, so you can see the picture that has nothing to do with the item it's attached to, rather than just have it in article form. Whatever.

Also, I don't think that all 10 things are legit things. Some of them are specific to the writer of the article and not universally applicable. SO I'm going to comment on these because I feel some of them need some clarification and the little snippets aren't good enough. The fact that it was "published" on a fairly large site like this makes me cringe.

1 and 2 Is it difficult to love a child that isn't your own? I could never love someone who doesn't share my biology. No on has said these to my face. They've inferred things similar to this, but not these words. It takes all of about 10 seconds in my house to know that my boys are my boys. There's nothing I could do more or less for a home grown child. Love is love. I think if someone were to actually use those words to my face I would just stare at them like they're speaking a foreign language. Honestly I rarely see skin color. I see my boys. They just happen to have a different skin tone as mine.

3. He/she's so lucky. This is probably the best point made by the writer. Marjorie and I regularly say that we're the lucky ones. Every parent is lucky. A lot of this is our perspective of life though....God has a plan. He's always known what our family would look like. We're not lucky, we're maybe obedient....sometimes. Our boys have a history that includes birth mom's that couldn't take care of their children themselves. They have history that includes turmoil, paperwork, tears, upheaval, just to get them home. That might all be in the past, but it's still part of their story and just like you and me, our stories aren't just something that goes away because it's in the past.

4. It's so much easier than having the child yourself. Really? So you are pregnant for 9 months. We waited for Corban AFTER we were matched with him for 16 months....and that's on top of the 7-10 months of waiting before we were even matched up with him. Tell me how that's easier? Tobiah went faster than that but instantly went to the Hospital and has continually seen specialists for the past 4 years for weird things that were inside his body that we didn't know about. Yep, that's been pretty easy too. How about all the questions about why their skin is different colored than mommy and daddy's. or why their birthmommy couldn't take care of them. Super easy.

5. She's like a little China doll. Definitely not heard this one.

6. Her real mother was probably a prostitute. Again never heard this or even inferred. I do like the point....Marjorie is their real mother. I also don't like when people ask if they're real bothers....yes their real brothers. Literally as I type this they are playing tug-o-monkey in the next room and using loud voices toward each other. Of course they're real brothers. Their birth parents are different and they were born in different parts of Ethiopia but they're real brothers.

7. What kind of person would give up such a beautiful, sweet child? I feel like I've already addressed this. However I'll say this....my kids are definitely super cute/handsome. But I really believe that everyone notices how cute they are because they're also really well behaved and have great personalities. If our boys were grumps and unruly when we went to the store, they wouldn't be quite as cute. But they're always smiling and not begging for stuff and listen when I ask them to do something. Cute.

8. People who adopt children from foreign countries just want exotic children. Again, this just goes back to our view of life and who God is. We're quick to say that the reason we adopted period, we because God lead us there. It was never our plan when we were dating or in the first years of our marriage. God turned our hearts to Africa and specifically Ethiopia.

9. Anything in Chinese-directed toward Asian children. OK obviously this doesn't apply to us....but it did happen once. We were eating Ethiopian at a restaurant in Pittsburgh and the owner who is Ethiopian tried talking to Corban...who looked at him like he was dumb. Oddly when we were in Ethiopia picking up Tobiah there was another family there picking up a younger child and they brought their older son (18 or 19) who they adopted when he was 3 or 4. Everyone kept talking to him in Amharic because he looked the part, but didn't know a word of Amharic. Let's also not forget that few people, particularly where we live, know any African languages.

10. How much did they cost? Again no one's ever said this. As part of discussions about parents thinking of choosing adopting they've asked how much the process cost. Rick Rohlin once told us early on...don't ever add up the costs of the adoptions....just write the checks. You're not buying children, you're paying for the process...much like doctor bills.


So there are their list.....mine would've been different. Like are they real brothers? So many questions about how they are different than me.....which they're not. So many questions about African culture that are total stereotypes and misconceptions. Most aren't necessarily from a place of ignorance as much as they are just not knowing...and wanting to be part, but not knowing how to use appropriate words.

Adoptive parents, what would your questions be? What have people asked you?

USA Today Adoption artilce about multiracial families

My buddy Brandon sent me this link via Facebook and asked for my thoughts on it. I hadn't read the article until he sent it. Instead of replying just to him, I thought I'd blog it.

You should read the article first or the rest of this post might be out of the blue.

First of all I liked the over all article. I REALLY wish that Angelina Jolie wouldn't have been the picture that went along with it though (still harboring some bitterness toward her for delaying Corban's adoption).

I'm not shocked that more and more adoptions are inter-racial adoptions. We run into bundles of people who have adopted internationally, and more specifically, inter-racially.

This line made me laugh a lot: "There are Chinese cultural festivals in synagogues and African-American kids with Irish last names at St. Patrick's Day parades." I laugh because part of our boys growing up is doing traditions that come out of our families...that are obviously not Ethiopian traditions. One St. Patrick's Day my grandmother (and then father and now me) always wore orange because she was from Scotland. So Corban was bummed out that he had to wear his school uniform to Catholic School instead of an orange shirt like Daddy and Papa. HA

I'm kind of interested to read Gina Samuels book on being raised by white people. I see her point about being color blind.

Early on in our adoption process we recognized that it would be impossible to raise our boys in Warren and not acknowledge how we are similar and how we might be different. Corban before he could talk would hold his arm against mine and point to his skin and to my skin...he knew that daddy's skin was different (even in summer when I have a good tan!).

We've tried hard to be intentional about everything we teach the boys, but definitely about culture and race. But it's also about teaching those around us. At Corban's birthday part this weekend one of the boys privately asked Marjorie why Corban's skin was brown. It would be easy to pass that moment off during the party, but she took time to briefly talk to him.

I can honestly say that I barely ever even notice that the boys have a different color skin. I just see two beautiful little love balls. But I am aware that people in public notice. It's impossible to be completely color blind.

Imagine

I have a folder in my Bookmarks that is titled "blog this". There is tons of stuff in there. Some of which I have already blogged, some of which I just haven't. I am cleaning it out.

I don't think I blogged this. I can't find it, if I did. I've been holding onto it for a long time. I think Marjorie found it....or Andrea....or....it's an ad for CatholicVote.org.....but it's still good.

Madonna Update

Madonna was rejected by a Malawi judge to adopt.

Just to clarify my previous post....If Madonna or any other superstar wants to adopt a child, I fully applaud them. When they try to circumvent the system that's in place....the system that the rest of us have to follow....I'm saddened by that. If you read the above article, the judge denied her adoption because Malawi has rules in place about residency before you can adopt.....rules that she had "waved" for her last adoption in Malawi...rules she wanted waved this time too.....just because she's miss so-and-so.

The bigger point of my last post is that there are A LOT of children that need homes and there aren't that many getting homes.

I am neither sad nor happy that Madonna was denied this adoption. I'm happy that a small poor African country stood their ground.

Yeah and You missed the point....both

Let me get past my initial thoughts on this...to get to the real point of this post.....please bear with the rant to get to the heart.

So the big news is that Madonna is trying to adopt a second child from Malawi. I don't want to sit in judgment here. I don't know her motives. I don't know her heart. On the surface though it seems a little odd....and my dander raises slightly in thinking of Miss Jolie and her swoop into Ethiopia that held us up while adopting Corban.

Again, I don't know the behind the scenes stuff....but there are families waiting a long time for paperwork to clear. Out of nowhere she appears and wants to take a little girl home with her. Must be nice to have millions to grease some palms. When Angelina did it in Ethiopia back in 2005 we were held up for most of the next year because so much pressure and scrutiny was put on the Ethiopian adoption system. It appears that the same thing is replaying for a SECOND TIME for Madonna.

Let's not be too hasty to give Madonna sainthood. (or Angelina.....I'm still a little bitter there can you tell?)

SO ANYWAY......(rant off)....this morning as I sit here reading news and drinking coffee.....the AP has an article about how Madonna's adoption is part of a growing trend of African adoptions by foreigners. I would highly recommend you reading it so you know what I'm talking about from here on out.

The article talks about how these "high profile" adoptions draw attention to the ability of Westerners to adopting from Africa. I would say that's probably true. (However it does not paint a true picture of how the process actually works....you can't just show up with your family and walk out 5 days later with a new child). It also points out that traditional adoption powerhouses such as China, Russia and Guatemala have severely restricted foreign adoption, so more families are turning to African countries......particularly Ethiopia.

Apparently 1,725 children were adopted from Ethiopia from September 07-Sep. 08.....YEAH WE'RE A STATISTIC!!! Visas were issued for 2,399 African children last year by the US. That's cool. OH WAIT.....there are still 14 million orphans in Africa.....

So last year 2,399 orphans were adopted to the US out of approximately 14 million (and growing daily.....18 million by 2010!!!!!). DROP IN THE BUCKET. I know there has been a push by agencies (AAI included) to work on caring for children in country....either by extended families or by agencies in country. That's AWESOME. That's clearly option #1. Unless foreign countries severely fund stuff like that though, there's no way that can completely take care of the orphan problem.

I love hearing that adoptions are up. My hearts breaks to know how incrimentally small they are up compared to the overwhelming monster that faces us.

A religion that is pure and stainless according to God the Father is this: to take care of orphans and widows who are suffering, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.